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Halloween at Aunt Ethel's


I was going to jump right into how this movie kicked off horror in 2019 in the worst way possible (spoiler alert, this was a terrible movie) but I think instead I want to talk about IMDB for a second. IMDB really should have an approval rating akin to Rotten Tomatoes or something because I don't know how some of these outright terribly made movies get as high of a rating as they do. This movie has a 7.2 on IMDB. I want you to keep that in mind during the course of this review.

Halloween at Aunt Ethel's is one of those movies that looks like it had a budget of exactly 1 dollar, and that 1 dollar got lost or stolen because this is seriously the worst looking movie I've seen since Birdemic. The sound design was garbage, cinematography isn't on b-movie-shot-for-efficiency levels, it's a tonal mess and don't even get me started on the cast. Every single line of dialogue is delivered in a speedy, flat tone that in no way feels natural, but at the same time almost everything feels like it's being improvised on the spot because it also doesn't make any sense. 7.2 on IMBD,

This garbage fire is written and directed by Joseph Mazzaferro which hopefully isn't his real name and for the sake of horror movies everywhere I hope he never writes or directs another film for the rest of his life. The script feels like it was written by a 12-year-old boy with all of the dumb sexual innuendo, the completely unnecessary, over the top, and very out of place nudity just for the sake of it, and casting decisions that were based entirely on cup size I have no doubt. Look, sex and nudity is a staple of horror movies, but always as a lead up to a kill. The act of sex in a horror movie is normally a death sentence but in Halloween at Aunt Ethel's it's just...there. And most of it is played for laughs. There's a scene in this movie where one of the main girls calls the other one and she's just having sex while holding a perfectly nonchalant conversation on the phone. I'm pretty the director thought "how much can I put in here before it becomes a poorly made porno?" That's what this feels like. A poorly made porn parody with just a bunch of nudity instead of actual porn. 7.2 on IMDB.

The entire movie revolves around this old lady that apparently everyone knows kidnaps children on Halloween and turns them into food Sweeny Todd style. Which apparently just means sawing off body parts, dipping them in chocolate and putting them in the oven. As if people wouldn't know that those are just body parts dipped in chocolate. Oh, and also she murdered her entire family. And everyone in town is just...fine with it? I guess? Like "Yep there's crazy old Ethel killin' kids again" and nobody has called the cops on her one time. We find this out no more than 10 minutes into the movie. At that point I already wanted to turn this stupid waste of time off and watch something else but I was committed to seeing what 2019 had to offer me so far. I wish I had gone and seen Happy Death Day 2 You instead, at least that movie actually looks like a fun time. If this article seems like I'm rambling and don't really have a coherent thought, THAT'S WHAT THIS ENTIRE MOVIE FELT LIKE AND I HATED IT SO MUCH. Sorry for the all caps, I'm still kind of mad at myself for not turning it off.

Look, I'm not going to waste any more of your time, this stupid movie already wasted an hour and a half of mine. Just promise me that if you ever see this on Prime or Netflix or whatever you use to watch movies, you keep scrolling. I need to know that you won't watch this. Seriously it will help me sleep better at night knowing that I've stopped someone from watching this gigantic trash heap of a movie.

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