See No Evil
What do you get when you combine a bunch of unknown actors with an abandoned hotel and set a professional wrestler loose in it? You get See No Evil, that’s what. We’re taking another dive into the bargain bin with this one, and let me tell you I was not looking forward to it. I mean, it’s WWE Films! That just screams horrible, but it’s a horror movie and if I’m being perfectly honest with myself, I did used to be a bit of a wrestling junkie and this movie does star my favorite wrestler of all time so I told myself to buy it for nostalgia’s sake and here we are. See No Evil is a 2006 film written by Dan Madigan and directed by – and I’m not making this up – Gregory Dark. With a name like that you basically have to direct horror movies. This is a quick watch too, at only 84 minutes, so even if you ended up not liking it (spoilers?) it won’t be too much time wasted. As stated before the movie is filled to the brim with no-name actors (I’m sure they have names, you know what I mean) and is highlighted by professional wrestler, Libertarian, and all-around super nice guy Glenn Jacobs AKA Kane. Boasting an impressive Metascore of 17 out of 100 and a certified rotten rating on Rotten Tomatoes with 8% from critics giving it an average of 2.7 and %50 from audiences with an average of 6.4, my expectations for this movie were low to say the least. As I popped in the DVD and settled in for the movie I thought to myself “Can this movie possibly be any good?” That answer was an emphatic “No.”
This movie is a mess, and not just because the setting is an abandoned hotel (get it? I’m sure you get it.) Almost right out of the gate the movie falls on its face. The acting is terrible, but that’s to be expected in a B movie (Glenn Jacobs isn’t terrible, but he doesn’t really have any lines and it’s hard to act bad when all you have to do is stand there and look scary), all of the dialogue seems hollow and rigid, the camerawork…I’m not sure if I should put the blame on the cinematographer or the film editor. They fall into the trap of using too many cuts in rapid succession, and they keep doing this thing where the screen whites out for a second and it’s super distracting. They also intentionally blur the camera sometimes when we’re supposed to be seeing things from the killer’s point of view, but things aren’t always blurry so I don’t know if he just needs glasses or what, but it isn’t something that I need to see. It doesn’t add anything to my viewing experience so don’t do it!
See No Evil is also cliché city. From the setting to the characters to the weird twist that wasn’t really a twist because we all called it from the start, this movie is as predictable as it gets. Spoiler alert: the movie tries to go all Psycho and bring the mom into it, except the mom is still alive in this one and you meet her about 10 minutes into the movie but you’re not supposed to know she’s the mom but anyone who’s ever seen a horror movie before knows she’s involved in this somehow. Honestly, the best way I can describe this movie is if Psycho and Friday the 13th had a child that was immediately dropped on its head. This movie had so much potentially to at least be fun. I knew it wasn’t going to be good, but I was hoping I would at least have a good time watching it. Unfortunately, most of the kills are boring and we don’t get to see most of them because of all the stupid cuts the camera makes!
I’m honestly struggling to find something positive to say about this movie. There has to be at least one redeeming quality in there somewhere other than the runtime. Let me think…a couple of the kills were actually kind of good. There’s one where he kills a lady in an elevator and the doors keep trying to close but her body is in the way so he picks her up and slams her back down but the doors still can’t close around her. I thought that was funny just because of how absurd it is. There’s another good kill where he shoves a cell phone down this girl’s throat and the camera for the most parts actually holds still and lets us watch it, so there’s that.
Overall, this isn’t the best slasher movie by far and it’s not worth the 84 minutes unless you really like fast cuts and bad acting or if you’re a super big fan of pro wrestling and watch all of the WWE’s movies in which case, I’m sorry for you.